Dating as a Single Mom....

I finally cut the emotional ties with the father of my almost 1 yr old son. Figured if he doesn't give a rat's ass about seeing Colton (or texting to ask about him) then why should I?? I can't force anyone to do the right thing, so I moved onto another plan...Make momma happy!

I bend over backwards for my son. I yell, spank, cuddle, soothe, kiss, hug, hold, and care for him everyday of the week. He has my 100% attention and devotion and I wouldn't have it any other way. But sometimes late at night, I miss cuddling with someone who is holding me (instead of me holding them), like, I am the best thing in the world to my kid. Seriously he is with me all the freaking time and when I come back into the room from being gone like 10 minutes he is laughing and smiling up at me trying to crawl up my legs lol. It's adorable! But sometimes I just miss cuddling with a guy, watching a movie, or holding hands and kissing...nothing sexual, just relationship stuff. I really do miss that.

So my ex sis-in-law (weird I know) texted me telling me how she found the "perfect" guy for me. My first thought is "perfect?" Highly doubtful. But she was persistent, so I decided to give Mr. "Perfect" a chance. After texting like crazy all week, a date was set. I was pretty excited because one, this guy did seem pretty awesome, and 2, I had never seriously been on a "real" date before. I mean  I usually fall for losers so we jump into sex or a relationship THEN go on dates...b-ass-ackwards I know. So I was nervous and excited both mixed into a big ball of Brandy! I went through the "this shirt makes me look fat" and "those shoes don't go with that top" for HOURS!!!! LOL Not even kidding here, I'm not that girl...not even close! I am usually no makeup, sweats and a tshirt, hair in a pony...like everyday.

So here I am, face full of makeup (feeling like a porn star), jeans (that are uncomfy),  a top I don't own (that I would never buy), hair straightened (and getting stuck in my lipgloss) and then I realize.......I don't have a purse! Seriously here people, I have a kid...Carrying him, his bag AND a purse is a little too much to handle, so I just put my stuff in his bag. (By "my stuff" I mean: wallet, gum, couple tampons, cell phone and car keys). So my good friend lends me her purse....which turns out to be absolutely adorable and the size of a carry on luggage. My items don't even cover the bottom. For real. Feeling a little out of my element (as I'm guessing most first daters are) I'm eagerly waiting for my date to arrive.

He shows up at exactly 8 (loving the car and the punctuality). I was already outside, so as I walked to the driveway, he got out of his car walked right up to me and gave me a hug. I was surprised lol. My first thought was "Wow, he is freaking tall!!" I'm used to dating short guys who are just barely taller than me or the same height as me....and I'm 5'4 (almost)!!!!  So hugging the waist of this 6'1 gorgeous guy I am just WAYYYYY beyond words. We go eat at ShoGun where we had a good time chatting and watching our yummy meal be prepared (awesome show). Then head over to the movies to go watch the lamest first date movie EVER!!! I liked the show ok, but it was so not first date worthy. Half naked chicks being held captive in a cat house and kicking ass in a dream realm is hot, but not appropriate for a first date. I arrived home at midnight. I had an awkwardly fun night, (awkward in the sense that it was very new to me, the overall dating experience), and there we were standing in front of my driveway (again) and I'm waiting to see if he is going to hug me, or kiss me....or jump in his car and peel out dramatically. I got 2 right. We hugged, he said he enjoyed himself and wanted to do it again sometime, then literally peeled out and flew down the street. I had a nice night but was unsure if he had meant what he said about wanting to go out again.

The next morning he texted me. To my shock, I responded. He replied once more than stopped texting all weekend. A few days later we texted for about 2 hrs of hardcore flirting, then nothing more. It's been like a week or so and I can't make up my mind about guys anymore. If he wasn't interested in me then why text me the morning after our date? To that logic, Why finally text days later to flirt then not talk to me again. Guys are very random. I'm not looking for a booty call people. I have a child. I'm looking for companionship in the long haul. Thought I made that clear before the date.....guess not.

Dating isn't easy no matter who you are. I'm gunna go out on a limb here and say it is especially hard for single moms. I don't think I'm exaggerrating. Until I find my "Mr. Perfect", I'll just continue to devote myself to my stinky little boy whom I love more than any other being on this huge planet!!!

Blanky Issues

I admit to being the stereotypical "first-time-mom" and buying all the expensive, brand-named stuff because, I mean come on, if it costs an arm and a leg then it's got to be top notch right? WRONG!!! Backing up my self acclaimed "first-time-mom" title, I ran out and bought those Dr. Browns bottles because the nurses in the NICU told me they were the best. With the rough start my child had in his first month of life I figured....why not?? After hand washing the jillions of pieces of these bottles after a few months, I was ready to try a new bottle. I saw a close friend using those cheap 89 cent gerber bottles that are so very plain and ugly, and instantly thought she was crazy to allow her child to use such cheap bottles! Then I realized something. This is her 3rd kid....obviously she is more in tuned with her mommyness (yes its a word....I invented it) than I am, so I need to get in on the secrets to parenting. It was then and there I learned one of the most valuable lesson ever. It doesn't matter what you like.....it's what the baby likes!!!!! Light bullllllb!!! I bought a few of those cheap, crappy gerber bottles and tried my kid on them. He took to them right away (go effin figure). So this goes to show that just because something is the most expensive, doesn't mean it's the best for your child.

With that in mind I can get on with my story.

I have a fetish, if you will, with blankets. They are all over the house. I'm a sucker for cuddling up and lounging, watching tv, reading, talking on the phone....whatever. I looooove blankets. So for Valentines Day my mother took my son shopping for me a present. Hmmmm.....just like all parents and grandparents, my mother thought it would be "cute" if Colton picked out the blanket he was giving me as a gift. Turns out my kid has good taste. He gave me a black fleece blanket with dark and light pink valentine hearts on them that say things like "be mine", "love", "xoxo" inside them. I fell in love immediately. it is the softest blanket ever and the hearts are totally adorable. well something happened in the next few days because he wasn't sleeping all through the night like usual. I chalked it up to growth spurts or napping too long. No biggie. He was sleeping with the incredibly warm valentine blanky during his naps and snuggling with it and mommy in the mornings and throughout the day. I didn't think the blanket, or lack-there-of, was to blame for his restless nights. One particular day, I got busy around the house and didn't cuddle up with my new blanky after Colton's evening nap. The blanket was left in his crib. That night he curled up in that pink hearted valentine blanky and slept all. freakin'. night! Light bulllllllb! Guess whose blanky it is now??

Natuarally I freaked because: He is a boy. Boys need blue or black or even red blankets....not black with pink hearts all over it!! I mean, he is a BOY!!!!!! I tried to take the valentine blanky away and replace it with a boyish one. or a stuffty. But this kid is adament on having his blanky.

Then I realized.... "it's what the kid wants." So I thought to myself, is this really a big deal?? I mean, if he wants a pink hearted valentine blanky.....why not??? I love my child and I want him to be happy more than anything else in this world. If that means him having that damn blanket then so be it. I will not be the cause of my child's unhappiness........not today anyways. I'm learning to choose my battles :)

Drama drama drama....

I know it has been almost 2 months since my last post. I keep getting distracted with crazy drama and somehow, never get around to blogging. So, here I am, filling ya'll in on the details of my life. Brace yourselves people, you are in for one VERY long and bumpy blog.

Colton had alot going on these past couple months. He is crawling, walking along furniture, and hugging and kissing on command. The sweetest thing in the world to a momma!! This crazy child of mine may look alot like his father, but luckily (and perhaps unfortunately) he has my personality and gracefulness (or lack there of). My kid has crawled into walls, slammed face first into doors, tables and the floor on several occasions. I am probably one of the clumsiest people in the world, and I am seeing the same patterns with Colton. Any given day he has new bumps, welps, scratches, bruises, scabs, knots and cuts in random places on his body. You can only imagine the looks I get when in public lol. So today, my little brother was playing on the Wii and accidently smacked Colton in the forehead with the remote, while dancing to Michael Jackson (awesome game btw). Tomorrow I have to take Colton to the hospital for a chest xray (get to that later) and now he has a HUGE red lump above his right eyebrow. All I can do is laugh about this because I am so honestly terrified these people are going to assume the worst. But what can I do? Nothing. Ugh, this is only the tip of the iceberg.

About two weeks ago I came down with strep throat and the day after I went to the dr, I noticed it was much, much worse. So I decided to visit him again to double check the diagnoses. (I don't like this dr, and it was my first time using him). Before i walked out the door Colton began running a fever. Like 100.7 or something around there. (it got up to like 103.7 a couple days later). This dr was a family physician so he looked at my kid too (convenient for me) and diagnosed him with RSV. I was freaking the hell out because, as you may know, this is a very serious illness for babies. I immediately began filling this baby up with the medications prescribed and no changes were hapeneing. So a couple days later I took him to his pediatrician to confirm with him. One simple test from a nasal swab ruled out RSV. I was instantly relieved. But the doc had me get Colton an xray of his lungs to prove he had Pneumonia. Which he did. So having a 9-10 month old with Pneumonia isn't fun. Especially when I had such a bad case of strep (We always stay home; in about a month we only went to Gattis...I wonder where we got sick from?). Luckily it was caught early and he is just fine now. Quite a bit thinner than before, but still healthy. But seriously, how did this "doctor" not test this baby for RSV if it is as simple as testing snot?? Let's not even get me started on that.

Then, of course, there is this never ending drama with baby daddy. We are together, we aren't. We are. We aren't. OMG! Never thought this cycle would end. I was riding the "on" coaster when he just up and vanishes for 3 days. 3 DAYS!!! No phone call, no text...nothing. So when he pops up I chew his ass out. I'm not the quiet, shy type, if you havn't noticed yet. So before he comes back I find (in my search to discover where he was. If he was ok, alive, stranded...) I find that he is on 3 active dating sites for like 2 or 3 weeks. I am crushed. Seriously saw him Wednesday and everything was peachy. But then he takes of the next evening. So when I confront him about being a backstabbing cheater and liar he blows up on me. I seriously can't handle this crapola anymore. I HATE liars and I really don't understand cheaters. So I tell him I'm done. I have never meant anything more in my entire life. And I am a very sincere person. My heart got ripped out of my chest, stomped on, chopped into tiny pieces and thrown in the garbage disposal. Worst feeling ever. The conversation ended with me telling him not to contact me anymore. To which he replies he will about Colton. This is for real, the biggest joke of the whole story. Hahahahahahahahaha. NOW he is concerned with Colton??? Where the FUCK was he when Colton had Pneumonia???? GONE!!! Obviously he wasn't too concerned about him when he was sick! Some father, right? Oh it gets better. (I'm not angry bashing here, there are a few things that are positive...keep reading) So...

In October Chris decides he is going to up and quit his job. I was against it, but he made his own decision. So while he is "looking" for a job everyday (in my car, while I'm home with our son) I assume some progress is being made. Not even close. I am not very good at reading people I'm beginning to see. Right around Thanksgiving I find out that he sold my laptop for COCAINE!!!!!!! Talk about livid! We didn't have rent. We were already behind in all of our bills. Then I also discover when he was "looking" for jobs, he was going to his friend's house and smoking weed. Nice, I know. Me and Colton obviously left and moved back with my mom. He went to his aunts. I told him that I could forgive the drugs and the lies, if he fixed the problem at hand, being jobless. Well folks, he is still jobless 4 months later. I don't see any excuse that will make this acceptable when you have a family to take care of. Apparantly we have very different priorities. My list begins with Colton and ends with me. In between I have college and alot of other junk. Chris' list has only himself on it.

As far as taking care of Colton, I am most definitely his primary caregiver! I'm not saying Chris never helped out, because he did when I told him to. Sometimes. I took care of the cleaning, most of the cooking, and about 98% of Colton's needs. In that tiny 2% that Chris provided was mostly entertainment. He did actually bathe him once, when I made him. He did change a few diapers, when I told him to. (see? This was the positive stuff) I can recall several nights when neither of us were working and he would tell me he would get up with Colton at night so I could have a day off...then he would change his mind when the crying began. Typical Chris. Selfish, inconsiderate Chris. When I asked him a favor he would actually bargain with me. Like feeding colton would come with a 'sexual favor' or something always to his benefit. It was ridiculous. But yet he wants rights to the child I cared for, basically alone, for 10 months?? I don't think so. Not gunna happen. Told him good luck and if he did go the legal route to make sure he can pass a drug test. Oh. He isn't on the birth certificate. Soooo....whose child are we discussing??? My thoughts exactly. MINE!!!

So that's most of the drama I've been dealing with lately. I know it isn't that fascinating, but to me, it's more than I care to deal with. Tune in next time for some more baby daddy drama. I'm sure there will be some lol.

Proud Momma

I love my kid!! He is perfect and amazing and every little thing he does makes me so proud!! He is WAY ahead of other kids, cuz he is so smart! Before you get all mad and booty hurt, read my blog.

I get that I am a first time mom, and many of the completely normal developments that I experience with Colton are very similar, if not the same, as every other mother and child in this world. Watching him learning to sit up, finding his feet, talking to his hands, and holding his own bottle are very standard achievements for children. Every mother is proud of their child when they accomplish the tiniest of new discoveries.

I went into labor with Colton at 35 weeks, (note to self: sex in the rain at 35 wks preggo is NOT a good idea). My doc told me it was my choice to proceed or stop labor. After pondering my entire pregnancy, my terrible back pain, and the pure joy of holding my little fella in my arms (all in about 30 seconds), I decided I wanted to let the labor proceed. I was told there was a "slight" risk of complications with premature babies like their lungs might not be strong enough to breathe on there own right away...I asked the doc if, in his experience in the field, he thought my baby would be better off 'baking' a little longer. I was told no because my child was already about 6 lbs. He was pretty big for being 35 weeks. So I agreed to have the baby that day. Being in labor for 24 straight hours might not sound too bad for some of you readers, but for me, it was HELL!!!!!! Everyone has a certain amount of pain they can take until they erratically scream at the nurse to "give me the f*ing epidural!!!!!" For me it was dilating to a 6. DON'T JUDGE ME!!! (see my sister had her baby all natural and I wanted to do the same to prove how un wimpy I am....but yeah, no! I am a wimp. I gladly admit it.) I was fine with the contractions until the doc broke my water, which is very nasty btw. Those cramping mostly pressure contractions turned into "OMG I feel my hips separating!!" Extremely unpleasant, trust me.  After trying to focus on my mom and my boyfriend and my sister and my friend (there was alot of people in the room), I realized I couldn't do this and everyone was annoying me and I was burning up, then Freezing my ass off. Ugh, thank the Lord for the drugs they injected into my spine. I was actually able to lay and rest for a couple hours. I felt good. A little too relaxed for what was happening to me at the moment. After my water broke it was about 4 hours until Colton was born. I had like 2 hours of pushing. I am not a good pusher. I went to high school with my nurse so she offered to let me watch my sons delivery, and I agreed thinking it would be a once in a lifetime chance. So there I am, pushing like crazy and starring at this huge mirror behind the doc (beside the mirror are my sis and my friend, so watching their reactions were funny). On my right leg was my boyfriend and my left leg was my mom's perch. All nasty aside, I told my boyfriend to look at the miracle that was happening and he continuously refused so I grabbed his arm and yelled at him to look! He said it was the biggest mistake of his life, LOL. I enjoyed the opportunity of seeing my baby boy enter this world.

As I watch the doc pull my baby out and hand the scissors to my boyfriend to cut his cord, I begin crying. Then I hear the sweetest sound I've ever heard. Two, very short, little squeaky cries. Then nothing. They plopped him on my chest and I kissed his tiny, scrunched up face. The nurses rushed him to the corner to clean him up and then one nurse gets on the phone and calls for more nurses to come in and help "stimulate" my child's heart. I froze. Everything went silent, and my tears of joy turned very quickly to tears worry. I was laying there, thinking to myself  "it was too soon, this is my fault" I called his name a couple times and tried to let him hear my voice thinking maybe that would help. He was blue. Not breathing. The nurses had to beat on his little chest and rub so roughly just to keep him alive. They immediately took him into the nursery and hooked him up to several machines and inserted a breathing tube into his lungs. I didn't get the "normal" delivery experience most mother's get. I didn't know for 3 hours if my son had survived. I told my boyfriend to go with the baby and NOT lose sight of him. Everyone left my room to see what they could find out and I lay there, completely numb from the waist down. At that moment, 3 hours felt like forever. I was finally wheeled over to recovery and met back up with my boyfriend. The nurse I knew came into my room looking so sad. She said they will let me see him now but I couldn't move my legs still. I gave the camera to my boyfriend and told him to take pictures. When I finally got to go see him the next day he had bruises all over his body. I cried when I got to touch his tiny little hand.

My son was in that hospital for 2 weeks. We were transferred to the NICU in Odessa, TX and stayed there for another two weeks. After one month, Colton was finally released to go home. His lungs were underdeveloped at birth and one was partially collapsed. He technically died 3 times before making it to the nursery the night he was born.

Despite being 5 weeks early, he weighed in at 5lbs 15 oz and was 19 in long. Not too small for a preemie. He was one of the largest babies in the NICU. We visited him everyday and he had lots of clothes and blankets and stuff surrounding his bassinet. I was told, at his first check up, that he would be about a month or two behind other babies his age. This is not the case. He has developed very much the same as other babies around him

So, with all the crap that Colton has gone through in the first month of his precious life, I believe I have EVERY right to oooh and awe over every little detail of his development. He is my miracle baby (I was told by 3 drs I would never be able to have kids due to having Poly Cystic Ovarian Disease). I am one proud momma! My son is a true blessing to my life and I honestly don't know if I could live without him. He stole my heart the day he was born, and I love him so much more than I could ever express in a blog. I know I have every right snap pictures 24/7 and dote all over him all the time. I thank God for those nurses in the hospital. If they didn't know what they were doing my son might not be here today.

Thank you to all the pediatric nurses out there. You truly do make a big difference in this world. It takes a special person to care for sick, helpless babies. Keep up the good work!

Colton FINALLY holds his own bottle!

Almost eight and a half months later and my darling son finally starts holding his own bottle! I couldn't be more thrilled! He is well over 20 lbs now and holding him and the bottle at feeding time is getting to be some what of a hassle.

I need to state that Colton gets many of his character traits from me. I will own up to the stubbornness and him being so talkative. His laziness comes from his daddy. I have, on several occasions, walked in and found Chris sprawled out on the bed, or couch, watching TV with his arms up over his head and his legs spread open in a complete state of relaxation. Colton has been portraying this same action, or lack thereof, for sometime now. As cute as it is to see your baby boy in such a comfy, cozy posture, feeding time should be more of a focused occasion.

 Now don't get me wrong, I love the bonding time I get while cuddling my precious boy up against me and talking to him oh so sweetly. But there's comes a point in a mother's life when the numbness in her arm overtakes the situation. I get to alternating him from one arm to the other, propping him on my legs, and sometimes just (conservative moms close your eyes) bottle propping altogether. This has been the case for the last month.

Last night I was expecting to run into the same routine as every night. As soon as the bottle touched his lips he pasted those tiny little hands on either side of his bottle and chugged until he was sucking air. Granted, I was still assisting in the process but the determination in this child's eyes was apparent. He has continued to grasp his bottle this morning and throughout the day thus far. I feel like a major milestone has been overcome!